It's meaningless
by Rei Nevermore
Summary: Follow-up of episode 6 of Eternal Summer, because why not. Makoto is jealous of Rin, Haruka noticed that something is wrong, a talk is due. Was written in a spur-of-the-moment thing, so please excuse any mistake or inaccuracies.


Makoto closed his room's door with a sigh, and leant back on it. He had come home late enough from the celebration dinner at Iwatobi Swim Club not to be assaulted by the twins when he stepped into his house, and that was a relief. His parents had given him warm words of congratulations before letting him go and rest, wondering slightly at his lack of real enthusiasm. Letting his head fall back on the door with a small _thud_, he inhaled slowly. He'd walked back with Haru, and somehow it hadn't felt right. He had congratulated his friend on his win, but Haru had averted his eyes, without so much as a sound of acknowledgement. Makoto was always able to tell what Haru was thinking about, and usually ended up talking for the two of them at once, though even since the prefecturals had come close and he had announced his intent of competing in the 200m freestyle, somehow Haru had been a little harder to understand. It was as if the open door of his mind who was always ajar for Makoto had closed a bit. He seemed to him that Haru was bothered, distressed, even, at the idea of swimming against him, if Haru's mood these days was any indication of what he felt.

Makoto raked a hand through his hair before gripping the back of his head. _Say, why did you want to race against Haru-chan?_ Nagisa's words rang in his mind, clear as a bell chime. He had been watching as Rin and Haru conversed after their 100m free race, and a sharp pain in his chest made him speak his mind even though he didn't want to. _Maybe I was jealous of Rin._ He had wished he could take the words back right after he had finished saying them, and had cursed in his mind. He didn't want to bring his own problems on the other's shoulders. But the following small smile and quiet _I see_ had surprised him. Nagisa seemed to know something Makoto himself wasn't sure he grasped.

_Why _had he wanted to race Haru? Makoto let himself slip along the cool surface of the door until he was sitting on the floor, elbows on his knees. _Maybe I was jealous of Rin._ Well, he definitely had been jealous of Rin. Rin could light a fire in Haru's heart and awake the competitive side of him, even though he had never cared about winning. Last year, before they swam the relay with Rin once more, Haru had come to the conclusion that his reason for swimming was that he could do so with Rin, and Makoto too, and Rei, and Nagisa. This had made everyone happy, and Haru, small smile in place and blue eyes wide open, had never seemed so content. It had make Makoto's heart swell with happiness. After all, his own reason for swimming was to swim with Haru. With the team too, of course, but Haru was there first. Makoto hadn't want to compete with his friends as a child, and even now he still preferred swimming relays with them as a team than to compete against them. So why race Haru at all?

_Rin. _Rin was the one who showed Haru, and Makoto and Nagisa as well, what it meant to swim as one to win a race. Rin and his warmth, his fiery red hair and his hot words and his friendly rivalry towards Haru. Rin was fire, and he could spark Haru's will to fight and light a fire inside him. Haru was like water, still and clam, until Rin managed to make the violent currents underneath, present but unseen, come out. Makoto's hands clenched in fists, and he gritted his teeth. _I'm no fire,_ he thought. That race showed it very well. He wasn't enough of a challenge to light fire in Haru. When he had touched the wall after the race, he had felt his chest constrict, and tears mingled with the pool water running on his face. He had felt Haru's eyes on him, and his own heart had skipped a beat. He wouldn't make Haru go through guilt like when he had won against Rin in middle-school, so he had smiled and raised his head towards the sky.

_I'm no fire_, he thought again, more sadly than bitterly this time. _I'm just plain old me._ But he had something nonetheless, hadn't he? Having walked alongside Haru for so long, he still had something precious. _I appreciate you being there for _me, Haru had once said, not so long ago. _Thank you_. Memories and little things randomly came back to him. All the times Haru relied on him to speak for him. When he allowed Makoto to drag him around because they were late for school or a meeting. When Haru let him cling to his clothes when something scares him. The numerous sharings of a double blue popsicle because it's Haru's favourite flavour and it doesn't come in individual wrapping. When a single look at Haru's heart through the open door, that had become wider and wider for Makoto as time passed, was enough to know what he was thinking. The fact that Haru knows him inside out, as well, maybe better than Makoto know himself. That time Haru was fiercely protective of him when Rei had asked about his fear of the ocean, in that lighthouse in the middle of nowhere.

Makoto wasn't afraid of being left alone or discarded. Whether it was only Haru or the rest of the team, he had lived and shared too much with them to rationally be able to fear that. Especially if it was Haru, after all. They have come so far already. No, Makoto was more worried about the months to come. Graduation, the future, what to do after that, where to go. Who to leave behind or see go away. Makoto welcomed change as a positive thing, but somewhere inside of him, he wanted to make the best of his last moments as a high-schooler with his best friend, and then Rin had come along and slightly changed their dynamics. Rin took Haru swimming against him for granted, while Makoto saw something ebbing away and grasped at it to keep close for as long as possible.

Makoto didn't want to lose Haru. In whatever way that could happen. He didn't know if Haru could see it, or if he even had thought about his future yet, or if he even cared. Haru just wanted to swim. Makoto opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. It won't happen. Since they were children, since Makoto had decided to stick by the quiet, strange kid that lived nearby and be to him the friend he could rely on if he wanted, he had always worn his heart right there in the palm of his hand, laying it flat like an open book for Haru to read. He had acted weird too, recently. He got up, pushed his bag away from the door with one foot and opened it. He needed to see Haru.

Haru was very aware of the trust Makoto unconditionally placed in him, and that he was the one person he both knew for real and was most understood by. It made him want to smile and always got something warm settling near his heart. He hadn't been very agreeable as a child, and even now he felt grateful for a friend as loyal as Makoto was. Sometimes Haru was scared he might carelessly tear or rumple a part of Makoto's heart and hurt him. Especially since Makoto has announced his wish to compete against Haru in the 200m freestyle race, it seemed to him that, even though the book of his heart was still open, some words were rendered unreadable by a tide of water that washed over and blurred them.

Haru was thinking about this, staring silently at the mackerel he was grilling in preparation for tomorrow's breakfast. Actually, he was more staring in the empty space before him, which is why he started a bit when he smelled something burning and quickly got the mackerel off the grill. He sighed and braced himself against the counter, letting his head hang low. He felt that something wasn't alright with Makoto, and had been since a few weeks. Makoto became harder for him to read and it felt strange. He wanted to swim against Haru. That alone was disconcerting, and it upset Haru to think about it. Makoto had never wanted to compete against him. They had always been a team, companions, swimming with each other and standing next to each other. Why want to be an opponent now? Makoto's words from very long ago echoed in his mind._ Then I won't join either, there's no point if you're not there. _And a recent memory, after Haru had had been positively terrified that Makoto was going to drown in the ocean_. I want to swim with you, Haru. It's meaningless without you!_

As he recalled the memories, Haru's heart swelled up, and he breathed in sharply. Rin managed to make him competitive, with his hot-headedness and his snarky word softened by his grin. But Makoto was important too, of course he was. Makoto had been there for him always, Makoto hadn't left for another country, Makoto had accepted his fits of silence and his awkwardness and, when they were younger, his bluntness that didn't always meant to sound hurtful but sometimes was.

Stealing glances at Makoto every now and then after the end of the prefecturals' first day, Haru had found his smile subdued and less real than usual. And when he thought no one was watching, his smiling expression diminished until it was just a shadow of its usual cheerfulness, replaced by something hollow in his eyes. Haru hated it. Makoto was certainly the kind of person to smile and not let his feelings out when something was bothering him, and of course Haru could tell. And he hated it. He heard his phone vibrate from the living room, and he absently went to pick it up. It was a text from Nagisa. _Is Mako-chan okay? _

So he wasn't the only one to notice something different. He contemplated putting the phone back, but the text had awakened some sense of curiosity. His fingers hesitated over the phone's keys, and he typed a short answer. _I guess. Something doesn't feel right still. Do you know? _He pressed the send button and sat down at his chabudai table, putting the phone in front of him. He didn't wait long until the phone vibrated again, showing that Nagisa was calling. He answered it and put the phone to his ear.

"Hey."

"Haru-chan, are you worried?"

Haru fidgeted as he struggled with words in his head. Nagisa beat him to it.

"Of course you are, it's Mako-chan." There was a small silence. "Haru-chan, I don't really feel like I should be saying this to you... But I'm a bit worried too."

Another silence, and Haru heard Nagisa humming to himself, then a _whoop_ kind of noise. He guessed that his blond friend had just thrown himself on his bed.

"I think Mako-chan thinks too much," he finally continued. "Because of Rin-chan. Aaand other things probably."

Maybe Haru's frown was so intense it could be heard from the other side of the phone, because Nagisa didn't even pause.

"Now that Rin-chan is back and that he's friends with us again and not the meanie idiot he was just after he came back, Mako-chan thinks that it will change. You and him."

Haru breathed in slowly and stared at the floor, brow furrowing even more as he took in Nagisa's words. _Why would he..._

"Well, I think so, anyway," Nagisa added, somewhat uncertain. "Mako-chan feels a bit jealous of Rin-chan," he added very softly, as if somehow he hoped he wouldn't be heard. "He thinks that he'll have less time to spend with you before... Before. I don't know," he chuckled awkwardly.

Nagisa heard a clunking noise, Haru's breathing, and intelligible muttering_._ He put the phone away from his ear and looked at it, raising an eyebrow, before continuing.

"I probably went further than Mako-chan has ever thought clearly, though..." When it concerned his friends, Nagisa was as perceptive as anyone else. "Just... I think you should go."

On the other side, Haru unfroze. He picked up his phone that had slipped from his hand at Nagisa's words, and made the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind come to a halt.

"Nagisa. Thank you."

And he hung up. The blond listened to the beeping tone for a moment, then hung up and sighed, covering his face with his arm. He may have exaggerated somewhat to get Haru moving, but he was absolutely certain that he hadn't been so far from the truth. He'd seen Makoto's look and weird smile as Rin and Haru were talking after their race, he'd seen so many times what Haru means to Makoto and Makoto to Haru, from when they were kids at Iwatobi Swim Club, and this past year too. Whatever was to happen now, it probably needed to happen. He just hoped it will turn out right.

Haru rushed to his front door, opened it more forcefully than it needed, then froze in the middle of stepping out. First, he forgot to put shoes on. Second, Makoto was standing in front of the porch, hands tucked in his jacket's pockets. He had also frozen mid-step when he had seen Haru slam the door open.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, then Haru got back inside, shooting a glance at his friend and motioning with his head. Makoto slowly walked the remaining steps separating him from Haru's house and got inside, removing his shoes and closing the door while Haru disappeared into the living room. Taking in a deep breath, he looked around, soaking in the familiarity of this place. He knew every creaky board on the floor, every small crack in the ceiling, the smell of the place, grilled mackerel, citrus and Haru's washing powder, the always fresh air due to Haru's habit to open all windows when he's home. He smiled softly and walked into the room Haru had disappeared into, finding him looking out a window, one hand resting on the small piece of furniture before it.

Makoto stood there, watching the room and Haru's back, which even from here looked rigid.

"I wanted to see you," he started, knowing very well that Haru wasn't going to start. "Because I owe you an apology."

Haru's head turned to the side and Makoto saw one blue eye looking at him with... a bit of surprise.

"I've been acting weird these past few weeks. Wanting to race you and being all serious about it, I've never done that before, and I was keeping things to myself and I didn't mean to drag you into it... Though I still have, haven't I?" Makoto sheepishly scratched the back of his head and smiled a little.

Haru turned completely to him, face still, and just looked at him while chewing on his lower lip. He was frowning slightly. Makoto, who had been hesitating to tell Haru everything, gave up under that look. It may be embarrassing, but if he didn't trust Haru then he didn't trust anyone at all. So he gulped and dove in.

"I've been thinking since last year about the end of high-school and what was to happen after that, and that we only had one year to be able to swim all together before you and I would have to leave... I wanted to enjoy that time the most, because what I really want is to share these moments with the team. With you."

Makoto's hands were pulling at the hem of his jacket and his eyes darted everywhere but on Haru while he was speaking. Haru only needed to look at him to know the feelings that filled his friend's mind right now. The open book was still open, and he surprised himself at lingering on this fact and feeling both relief and joy.

"And then Rin came back, and frankly he was acting... not like he was, and while I was happy to see him again, he was forcing something on you, and making you care about things you didn't so much as acknowledge before, and changing things... Changing things I didn't want to change right now. I became... _envious_ of what you shared with Rin, because it is so different from what I share with you and it scared me, so..."

"Makoto!"

Makoto looked up in surprise, eyes widening. Haru never raised his voice, and the way he had just called his name had been unexpected. Now Haru had feelings written all over his face, he was looking at the floor and his hands were fisted. He was frowning deeply, and Makoto knew that he was struggling with the words in his mind to really say something. He waited.

"Rin doesn't hold out his hand to me to pull me out of the pool after a race," Haru finally said, slowly. "You do. Rin doesn't come to pick me up in the morning because I am late and then put up with me until I'm ready. You do. Rin makes me fight with him and want to win against him. You stand by my side patiently and support me."

He squeezed his eyes shut, because all the things that swirled in his mind were shoving each other to be put into words and Haru didn't know what to do with so many words. He was starting to feel dizzy. He wished he was in the water. Water didn't need words. But mostly, he discovered, he wished he was in the water so that Makoto could take his hand and smile while pulling him out of it. His next words were choked.

"Rin is a rival and a friend. You're the person who was always there for me for as long as I can remember. It is different. But the one I care most about is you."

These last words were not planned, but he felt lighter right after they passed his lips. He was conscious of the weight of his words. He heard and felt Makoto get closer, and when Haru opened his eyes, it was to see Makoto's real smile and extended hand. Somehow, he had known. Haru's eyes shifted from Makoto's face to his hand, and very slowly moved his own arm and took it. It was warm and firm, like it always was when Makoto himself wasn't just out of the water, and it felt like home.

Haru didn't have the time to reflect on that, because he was suddenly pulled up, and Makoto was embracing him, his body hunched forward to be able to rest his forehead on Haru's shoulder. After the first shock passed, Haru decided that it was nice. Makoto was as warm as his smile. Haru's hands clung to Makoto's jacket.

"Thank you, Haru," Makoto whispered. He felt like he was sagging somewhat, so he straightened a bit, still keeping his face on the side of Haru's. "To me too, Haru's always been there. And," he hesitated, but closed his eyes tight and finished, "in every way, it's meaningless without you."

Haru opened his eyes and he stared up. He didn't need to see Makoto's face to know that he hadn't just meant swimming. He felt Makoto pull back, and they were staring at each other. Haru was still conscious of the other's hands on his shoulder, and the question that he had seen before in those green eyes. _What is Haru feeling? _There was also the sheer tenderness that Makoto had always shown toward Haru, but it was somewhat different. Haru sensed that something was about to happen. He felt at ease right now, he felt good. He looked into Makoto's eyes and poured in one look all the honesty, determination and acceptance he was capable of. His hands were still clutching to the sides of Makoto's jacket, and they tensed slightly.

One of Makoto's hands came to rest between Haru's shoulder and his neck, his fingers twitching at the back of his head. He then trailed it up so that he was cupping Haru's face, stroking his thumb on his cheek, before going back to its previous position. He was hesitant. Haru hadn't shown clearly what was going through his head, but he didn't seem to be puzzled or reluctant. Strangely enough, an image of Rin appeared in his mind, laughing and telling him to just wing it. When he looked back to Haru's face, he inhaled sharply. Haru had tilted his head backward and to the side, and was looking at him with so much trust that Makoto felt his eyes tear up. _Just wing it_, he thought, and then he kissed Haru.

Haru's skin smelled still of chlorine, with a sugary side to it, and his clothes of his usual washing powder. The hair in which Makoto was trailing his hand was soft, like the lips he was kissing. Taken by surprise at how much he had wanted to do this and not known about it, he pulled back, and Haru looked up at him. They took their time looking at each other, and Haru smiled, with his usual almost-smile, but there was much more warmth to it. Makoto felt giddy, and hugged Haru again, tight against him, and laughed quietly. The sound of his name breathed out near his ear told him all that he needed to know.


End file.
